Katie: what fun are games if you dont follow the rules??
its not a game anymore, its just a bunch of ppl effing around with no purpose. which is a condition games attempt to remedy. you cannot just play games for fun, you have to play games to win and follow the rules!!! or its just not a game. i dont understand people
me: uh oh. hope it’s not trivial pursuit you are playing. that usually ends in bloodshed
Katie: no. we are playing a simple game called catch phrase. if everyone shouts out answers, including people from the opposing team and people not playing, then you cease to be playing catchphrase and are just a room full of morons yelling out words
am i wrong?
me: ha ha ha ha. i agree with you. sounds like the people you’re playing with don’t understand the seriousness of games
it’s a sport people!
Katie: it just isnt fun if its chaos. i dont expect world poker series level seriousness, but if you arent even following like the ONLY rule of the game you cant really play it
blurg
mmmmm thanksgiving. everything smells so good
me: Avelyn is napping. having a kid to use as an excuse NOT to come over first thing in the morning is finally paying off
Katie: haha
glad that kid thing is working out for you
me: it’s about time she earns her keep
Katie: k gonna go help set up. happy thanksgiving!!!!
me: you too! enjoy!

On why I love him [while driving around town]:

me: Those pants look uncomfortable.
Kevin: Everything about that guy looks uncomfortable. [Puts hand up for a high five.]
Kevin: Bitch you best put your hand up and high five me.
me: Love you too dear.

On proving her status as “best friend for 15 years”:

On Gmail status updates:

On frugality:

On why she’s called a Hobo:

On poopadox:

Katie: yo dude. here is that link
me: gmail chat is telling me you are busy. i might be interrupting by chatting with you
Katie: damn straight. gchat knows i’m important
me: thta video is hilarious. i’m at the jamie lee curtis activia he he he
Katie: i really like when she tries to feed Hillary Clinton yogurt
Katie: in this one, she uses the word “poopadox”, it’s about Number 2, check it out
me: poopadox. ha. i can’t ever use the word poop enough.

On the very first Gmail chat of our lives:

Katie: boo whore
gmail chat!
who knew?

We got up this morning to a bit of a rocky start and by rocky I mean that for five minutes I was thisclose to grabbing the garlic because I was sure Avelyn had been turned into a vampire in the night.  She was laying on the changing table while we had a delightful conversation when I DARED to turn on the lamp, causing her to cry out in pain, clutch her face in her hands and scream “It’s BURNING! BURNING!” or something to that effect. Nothing would calm her down after that except for the blasted “may-may” AKA pacifier.

Oh the irony that just last night I lay in bed thinking about the impending cry in the night signaling that the may-may had been thrown from the crib and could I pretty pretty please come find it and pop it back in my mouth LIKE RIGHT NOW MOM!

I had dreams about weaning her off – how to do it, when to do it, what kind of alcohol I should consume to get through it (fruity martinis sounded good).  Then I went a little crazy, and for a moment thought a cold turkey approach might be best, figuring a good two weeks of fit throwing and we’d be done with it.  But then I realized that it is the end of October.  THE END OF OCTOBER, PEOPLE.  As in the holidays are really here, and there is no slowing down for the next 10 weeks.  Also as in The Holidays.  Family.  Mandatory prison sentence-esque family time with people you have to pretend to get along with because a) they’re blood (WTF?) or b) you married someone who you actually DO enjoy spending time with and by virtue of a piece of paper you are now required to pretend you enjoy everyone else with their blood (WTdoubleF?).  OY TO THE VEY.

Immediately I realized that I would be OFFICIALLY INSANE to think that I myself could get through this season without Avelyn’s paci.

So here’s to the paci!  That ridiculous piece of rubber and plastic that my MIL so diligently and forcefully shoved in MY child’s mouth after I repeatedly asked/told/curtly requested she NOT do because I didn’t want her to get addicted to it and now she can’t live without.  Curses to you, paci!  My arch nemesis.  My greatest rival.  I hope you enjoy your last few weeks of being needed because come 2010 I’ve got a trashcan with your name on it.

(You heard me, Avelyn, and don’t give me that look young lady.)

So, are you guys looking forward to the holidays as much as I am?

(Completely unrelated to the above paragraph but seriously?  Still funny.)

Tonight we bought a couple of picture frames for Kevin’s office, so he could have something beautiful (that means me Avelyn) to look at while sitting in his prison gray, windowless office.   It got me thinking that in theory I finally have the time to go through the last (almost) eighteen months of photos sitting on my hard drive and print out tons of pictures to frame and store in albums.  I swear, the digital camera has to be one of the best inventions in my lifetime thus far, but taking the time to weed through all the crap photos to get to the good ones is incredibly time consuming.

While I haven’t officially started the weeding out process, I did take a moment to notice something about my picture taking activity.  Namely, it’s waned.

I remember a time when I couldn’t go a day without snapping off 75 photos.  It seemed like the thing to do lest I forget what that one tiny, oh my god it is growing, her hair is actually GROWING AS WE SPEAK, hair on her head looked like RIGHT THEN, RIGHT NOW!

I couldn’t imagine a world where parents didn’t take 75 photographs a day of their child.  They must be terrible parents! I’m sure I was thinking.  They must not love their child half as much as I love mine!  Look at the pictures!  The sheer number of pictures!! Digital!  Picture!!  OVERLOAD!!!!

“Hello, my name is Jennifer and I’m a photo-aholic.”

Keep in mind the above numbers are the leftover numbers.  The pictures that made the first round cut.  The ones that weren’t completely blurry, cut off, too dark, too light, too something to keep around for a second review.  I’ve deleted hundreds of pictures and still have hundreds to go.  That’s the downside to the digital camera; at some point you have to go back through and only keep the ones you really need.  It’s an exhausting endeavor.  But one I finally have time for!

What is really cool about having all these photos is that I can look back and see Avelyn, my baby, changing right in front of my eyes.

Can it be that this is the same sweet girl that came exploding, literally, out of my body just 17 months ago?  Seventeen months ago I would never have imagined how beautiful, funny and smart that 6 pound baby would be.  If you had told me I could love her more seventeen months later I would have told you to shut up, that it would not be possible for me to love her anymore than I already did.  But I do.  And my heart just aches it is so full of love.

I can look at that graph above and remember exactly why there are more or less photos every month.  Maybe we went to Chicago, or it was Christmastime, I moved Avelyn to San Antonio to live with Kevin (who, ahem, sucks at taking regular pictures), Avelyn turned ONE, I moved back to SA, Chicago again, and now I am so unbelievably busy I can’t seem to find the camera let alone snap some photos.  It’s September 21st and I’ve got 40 in the bank.  Way to go Bad Mom.

Coincidentally it would have been my Dad’s 54th birthday today.  That means he’s been gone for 15 years now.  I think if he were still around I might have gone through some photos earlier and sent him a huge bundle.  He would of liked that I think.

I see little bits of myself in Avelyn’s face sometimes, and I see a little of my Dad when the light hits her just right.  So far my mom says she at least has his giant boat feet.  Did I tell you we bought her some new shoes last week?  Did I tell you they are size 7?  SEVEN.  As in my seventeen month old wears size SEVEN shoes.  If you don’t believe how big her feet are I will prove it with the picture below.

What can I say?  Like mother, like daughter.

[Click play or here if the song doesn’t play. It will open in a new window.]

We are having a great start of summer around here.  Swimming, FIRST pigtails, learning the art of “sliding” at the park, learning to eat big people food like chicken, meat loaf, spinach, green beans, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, cherries, watermelon, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries… did I mention she loves fruit?  Oh, and jello.  Yeah that’s right.  Thanks Gagi for introducing jello at Luby’s.  She loves it, of course.  

See more "pigtails and purses" cuteness here.  (Note if you’re not familiar with Flickr: when you click on a link it takes you to a page with a photo.  To view more photos find “Doting Momma’s Photostream” on the right side of the page.  Click on the picture on the right to see the next photo, or the picture on the left to see the previous photo.  Hope that helps!)

I was a nanny for a few months in 2003, in between semesters in Chicago.  It was the best job I ever had and I have been blessed to develop a lasting relationship with the family I worked for, visiting every summer in Chicago.  The baby I cared for will be seven this year.  SEVEN.  I can’t believe it.  This year the girls made Avelyn a homemade card and sent her two of their favorite CD’s for her birthday.  We have fallen in love with them, especially You Are My Little Bird by Elizabeth Mitchell.  Buy it, you and the kids will love it and it won’t make you want to drill a hole in your head while driving in the car.  My favorite song on the album is (hopefully) playing for you right now.  If it’s not try clicking the link at the top of the page and it should play in another window.  It’s a song written by Bob Marley called Three Little Birds and Avelyn and I sing it every morning.  My favorite part is when she sings along with her little baby “you-ou-ou”.  Melts my heart every time.

See more “watermelon days” here.

I am counting my blessings for such wonderful days around here.  I hope your summer is off to a bang too.

This week has been crazy.  Monday I studied in the morning and went for my health screen at the hospital in the afternoon.  It took forever.  Tuesday Avelyn saw the Immunologist and had her bodies worth of blood drawn to test her for allergies and maybe identify things that are keeping her congested, snotty and sick.  It’s more likely her immune system just isn’t mature enough at 13 months to fight off some illnesses but we want to test her for allergens that may contribute to the problem so we could cut them out if necessary.  She will be tested again at 24 months to identify if she was able to build antibodies to two of her vaccines that help her fight off two common strains of bacteria that cause most of the problems she has.  Right now everybody feels strongly that she never developed the immunities, so if at 24 months we find out she hasn’t we can give her a booster (since her immune system will be more developed) and hopefully that will be it.  Having blood drawn was awful so I kept her home and didn’t get much work done. She slept a lot and I started feeling sick that night. 

Wednesday I woke up with the Worst Cold Ever: Part 2 plus a sore throat and didn’t do much until I had to go back to the hospital for a follow up screen.  Thursday was worse, I was sure THIS was the cold that would kill me but had to back AGAIN to the hospital to have my ID photo taken.  Today I slept in, studied in the morning and went to a movie with Kevin for the first time in 9 months.  I never, ever do stuff like that during the day.  I feel awful doing “fun” things in the daytime when Avelyn is at daycare.  I don’t always feel crappy about it but then I feel crappy about not feeling crappy.  Well today I didn’t feel crappy.  Today I thought about all the times Kevin wants to go out with me and I say no because I don’t want to leave her at night with anybody, I don’t trust anyone to put her to bed and I don’t want to leave her.  Today I realized we’re paying out the nose to put her in this great school and if she’s there already, with people she knows and loves I might as well go see a movie.  So we did.  The movie and the Icee were okay.  The Icee free refill was AWESOME.

By the by, Avelyn has transitioned pretty well to the orange room at school.  One of the teachers from the baby room (blue room) moved over to the orange room with her which made the switch so much easier.  That kid does not like change or new faces.  I picked her up Wednesday and she looked unbelievably cute, like a little girl kid, not a little girl baby.  It was around 5:00 so they were all having late day snacks and she was seated at a tiny table, in a tiny chair with her bowl of fruit and her cup of juice.  Just sitting there.  Eating.  Like a little person.  It both thrilled me and broke my heart. 

She didn’t see me right away so I just watched her from the window and smiled as my baby girl sat in her own chair all by herself.  I felt like just one day before I had been swaddling her up in nothing but a onesie and holding her in one arm while all she could do is sleep, eat, cry and poop.  While she still does all those things on a very regular basis, she does so much more too.  

In other exciting news, I’m in the process of a major blog overhaul.  MAJOR.  Like, really really exciting major.  I can’t wait to reveal the new site so be checking in the next week or two for the grand reveal.  Marina over at Penny Lane Designs is currently finishing up another fab job for me and I am on pins and needles waiting to see what she comes up with.  Did I tell you how EXCITED I AM!?!?!?!?  PINS AND NEEDLES PEOPLE!  CAN. NOT. WAIT.

I was obsessed with quotes in high school.  I think a lot of girls go through this stage although I’m unsure why.  I think for me I was searching for meaning at a time I felt completely lost and suffocating in my crappy life.  I was very sad, very burdened, very romantic in my thinking.  A wistful teenager living in books, dreaming of freedom and drowning in awkwardness.  Ah the days of youth.  There is not enough money in the world to entice me to repeat those years, and probably nothing I would trade for what I learned.

I thought I might add a new quote from the book to the side bar every few days, anytime a new one stuck out to me.  I started with the quote on the cover of my book, “Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don’t have to be anything else.”  I tried Googling the author but came up short so no credit here.  Just keep in mind that unless followed by “WRITTEN BY THE AWESOME AND TALENTED ME” it is not written by me, but by someone else much more famous, profound or loud mouthed. 

If you have one, what’s one of your favorite quotes?

oh don’t be silly
you tell me that my life
is like a bowl of cherries

all soaked up
in the juicy little berry

I’d rather be a raspberry
if you don’t mind

I’m just a little different
just a little more that kind.

-Bowl of cherries, by Debra J Stiles

Avelyn has to go back to daycare tomorrow after staying home sick Thursday and Friday.  She is supposed to start in the walkers room.  I don’t want her to go.  I know she has to go so I can get some studying done, because if I don’t study I will not pass this test and if I do not pass this test I lose my job and all that I worked and sacrificed for will be a waste.  So she has to go to daycare.  But I feel like such a crap mom sending her there!  Look at all the fun things we do here at home!  We go to the pool, for walks in the morning, to the park, she is old enough to start doing some art projects, and I want to work with her to start saying words.  Why isn’t she saying any words!  She calls everything ki-tee (kitty) and da-dee (Daddy) or ugh (ugh!).  Shouldn’t she be saying words?  What’s wrong with me?  Why did it take me this long to get through school?  Why do we owe so much money?  Why can’t I stay home with her?  She has fallen so much this week, I don’t think I can take it if she gets hurt.  She doesn’t get hurt at daycare.  Is it me?  What if she falls on the concrete outside?  What if she cracks her head open??  Why am I having this conversation with myself again?!?  AAAGGGHHH!!!

Then I felt the overwhelming sense of anxiety, that heart pounding, impending doom, I’m-going-to-die feeling and I couldn’t stand it. 

It is midnight.  Do not go pick up Avelyn just to make yourself feel better.  Do not.  Oh screw it, go pick up Avelyn.  It will make you feel better, she will sleep in your arms, something she won’t do forever.  Go.

I went.  I picked up that great big thirty two inch, twenty seven pound thirteen month old and held her tight while we rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  I cried, just a little, and stroked her hair and smelled her skin while she slept in my arms.  I took a deep breath and thought about my favorite Bible verse, I think it was my Dad’s favorite verse too. 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:29-31

I placed Avelyn back in her crib and just watched her sleep for a few minutes.  She is so beautiful.  So precious and fragile.  I thought about all the things that could happen to her, all the things I want to protect her from, and how little control I have over most of them.  I fell asleep trying to concentrate on that Bible verse, feeling sad and out of control.

She woke up at 6:22 am today.  I lay in bed listening to her talk herself awake for about 20 minutes.  The sound of her voice in the morning just kills me, it is so beautiful and pure.  She was smiling ear to ear when I went to pick her up.  While making her bottles for the day she fell on the kitchen floor and busted her lip.  More blood, more tears.  (From her too).  She fell again in the bathroom while I was getting dressed.  More tears, a bad bump, a terrible scratch and it’s only 8am.  I just cried while I held her, hating that she hurt, hating myself that I couldn’t protect her from everything.  Hating her sick ears for making her so dizzy and unbalanced.  (Her poor little ears.  At her two week post op ear tube checkup Avelyn had a few drops of fluid in her right ear that we were “waiting and seeing” about.  The next week she had dried hard stuff coming out and the week after that runny pussy discharge.  She’s been on an antibiotic for almost a week now and it still has not gone away.  In fact it’s gotten worse.  We go back to the ENT tomorrow.)

She calmed down way before I did and I took her to school.  Since she was feeling bad her teachers in the baby room said she could stay with them today and they would take her over to the orange room for a visit and she could start there full time tomorrow.  When I got home I just got back in bed.  I felt like a giant, fat, horrible loser.  A tired loser.  A loser that just wanted to sleep.  But what kind of a mother took her kid to daycare and came home to sleep?  How terrible am I?!  Here I was, lying in bed while my kid was at daycare and fell asleep.  I got up at 11 and felt okay.  I did some laundry, picked up the house and read a message from a friend I needed to hear.  Just take it hour by hour.  Be a student when Avelyn is at school, and a mom when she’s at home.  Just get it done.  And I did. 

Tonight I’m doing okay.  I’m worried about her ears but hopefully we will get them fixed and she will feel better soon.  I did some NCLEX practice tests today so I am making progress.  I stuck to my plan.  I will repeat this plan tomorrow, that’s all I can do. 

I know all I can do is do my best to protect and provide for her.  Teach her how to live and be the most amazing person she can be.  I can do that.  I am doing it.  I’m just having a hard couple of days.  Thank God she is here, making my life a better one, opening my heart to make me a better person, a better woman, a more compassionate nurse.  I would be lost without her.

[UPDATE: Avelyn’s ear is just not getting better.  We have an appointment next week with an immunologist to test her immune system which the ENT suspect’s is just not mature enough to fight the infection.  I hope they find the cause so we can just give her a booster and be done with it!]

I would like to write about the emotional roller coaster of real honest to goodness feelings I’m having again, something you don’t have often on antidepressants.  But I don’t have the time and I don’t feel like writing a super sappy sounding post.  I’m busy APA formatting a paper on Autism/Asperger’s.  (Can’t you tell?)  So instead I will summarize my experience as follows:

I had Post Partum Depression.  I cried a lot.  I thought I might die.  I imagined Avelyn dying.  I thought I was letting her down.  I knew I was letting myself down.  I knew I had a problem.  I got help.  Therapy + Drugs = Saving.  I started feeling better.  I learned I’m not to blame.  I learned it’s not my fault.  I learned I’m not responsible for anyone but me and her.  At some point I started feeling nothing.  I didn’t like feeling nothing.  I wanted to cry if I felt sad and yell if I felt angry and feel happy if I was happy.  I didn’t want to live in a dense fog of nothingness and not be able to form thoughts about what I wanted to say.  I wasn’t depressed anymore so I weaned off the drugs.  It was weird.  Now I’m feeling a lot.

So anyway, that drug saved me and if you’ll recall I am a nurse which means I believe in drugs when they are medically necessary and used judiciously.  But now the old me is back.  With gusto and angst, a pinch of sarcasm and a sprinkle of sardonicism.  Just regular old me.  I wonder if my Post Prozac (new) friends will like the old me as much as my Pre Prozac (old) friends do.  Hmm…

With that I leave you with a few tidbits that roll around up there on a some-more-regular-than-others basis:

The sound of you chewing is making me want to throw your food on the floor and rip your hair out.  Not necessarily in that order.

I can’t stand listening to you breathe.  My chest tightens, my hands clench and my heart races and I want to jump out of my chair and scream in your face “STOP BREATHING LOUDLY OR DON’T BREATHE AT ALL!!!!! EITHER LOSE SOME EFFING WEIGHT AND/OR STOP SMOKING SO YOU DON’T WHEEZE LIKE A FATASS COW!!!!!”  (My fake apologies to any of you [non-baby] loud breathers out there.)

Why are you here?  I clearly don’t want you here.  Don’t you see me tensing up and cringing in an involuntary defensive emotional response to your presence?   I’m trying to control it but it’s not working because I am having a visceral response to you.  My therapist and friendapist both said the same thing – I should quit feeling guilty about my FEELINGS.  They’re MY feelings and it’s how I FEEL so I am allowed to FEEL this way dammit. 

Dumbass*.

More and more I find myself shutting my eyes tight and breathing deeply to avoid screaming and embarking on a murderous rampage since this particular behavior could be potentially hazardous, especially while driving.

Sometimes the sound of that voice makes me hate you.

Wow.  That feels good to get off my chest.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  Welcome back Me. 

(“Now maybe back off the “Angsty” part a tad until these nice folks get to know you better.”  “Shut yo’ face!”)

*For Richey.  Even though he doesn’t read this blog.

I have a jobinterview on Monday. For a real job. A real nursing job. Moment of silence for Keanu… whoa.

I’ve settled on a theme for Avelyn’s first birthday party! I’m not telling you yet, ANY of you, so don’t ask. I don’t want to spoil the surprise and I don’t want any help! I have waited my whole life to plan my child’s birthday party and it will be fantastic.  Oh, and I didn’t even steal ideas from Annalee or Carla’s fantastic first birthday bashes

I’m living at my grandparents house now until I graduate. It’s hot here because they don’t have central air and the window units don’t blow cool air because it’s too "cool" outside. Also if I opened the window to get some of this so-called "cool" air I risk two things: being arrested for the brutal murder of the damn wienie dog next door that won’t shut up or being violated by a passing rapist in the night. This is Pasadena. It’s almost a ghetto.

I’m on spring break next week and get to see Hobo for a full week! I also get to study for Community Health, study for High Acuity, study for the HESI exit exam so I can graduate, apply for more jobs and finish a ton of BS case studies.  Doesn’t my break sound fun?  At least it’s in keeping with every spring break I can remember since I had the ability to remember.  I’ve never done anything fun.  SPRING BREAKS BLOW.

I’m starting to exercise and eat healthier.  As of yesterday.  But I didn’t do either today.  Oops.  Guess we’ll start over again next week.

63 days to this! [again]