• I graduate from nursing school in 8 days.
• I’m moving home to live in a house with my husband and my darling daughter (and ONLY my husband and my darling daughter).
• The house we are moving into is huge which means I get to drool and dream and shop and slowly build ourselves a home.
• I start my first real job in June.
• Avelyn had a successful myringotomy and tympanostomy tube surgery and can hear again.
• Hearing means she might start talking too.
• Last but certainly not least, she may not be talking yet but she is walking as of this week. As in walking, walking.

She gets so excited when she walks that she wants to run and leans so far forward she falls. Tonight Kevin said she is walking across the entire room. She wasn’t doing that when I left this morning. But she’s doing that tonight. My itty bitty, weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces at birth, almost 28 pounds at 12 months, big baby girl is walking. And she learned how to do it with me. Thank you God that I didn’t miss it.

[Jennifer's Alternate Reality: Today in JAR, Jennifer woke up to her adorably fat little baby stroking her face with her precious tiny fingers. They talked, giggled and sang sweet songs before they put one foot on the floor to start the day. When Jennifer and her adorably fat little baby finally rolled out of bed, they found themselves in their new house, their own house, with their own things and their own food and their own furniture. The TV wasn’t blaring at their house. The house wasn’t filled with stupid cats or whiny dogs. It was filled with quiet, peace and sunshine and there was no one to bother Jennifer’s beautiful morning with her beautiful baby. It was just… perfect.]

In other news, I am officially tired of having pets. Is that awful to say? Oh well, it’s my blog so I can say it. It’s not that I really love them less now that I have a real baby, but I do love them differently. I want to spend so much time with Avelyn, and I’m so focused on her or keeping myself sane that I just tire of the animals very easily. I’m tired of Etta having to sleep on the bed because she’ll pee and poop on the floor if left unattended. I’m tired of her jumping down at 3am every night and doing just that. I’m tired of stepping in pee, picking up poop on the stairs, timing when she eats so she can have her medicine on schedule, shoving the handful of pills down her throat 20 times until she swallows them, listening to her whine because the meds make her want to eat all damn day. Ugh. I know how awful this sounds. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s better and she’s still my dog but man, having Avelyn really put it into perspective for me. Am I the only terrible pet owner out there? In the past I might have been insulted had someone uttered the words, “It’s just a dog” but now… well, she’s just a dog. I love her, she is sweet and she’s mine and I’ll be sad when she goes one day but do I tear up and have a panic attack thinking about my life without her? No. Am I the only woman who went from doting on a cute puppy and an evil cat to wishing they would go live with Kevin in San Antonio so I didn’t have to constantly clean up after them, yell at them to get off the baby’s blanket and not to lick her mouth? Honestly I just don’t have the time. Not that I have a full plate or anything… it feels good to get that load off.

Today at school a few of us old married ladies (and one super cute soon to be married lady) sat around and had a grand time commiserating the stupidity of husbands. It was just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes I think we women just need to hear that we’re not alone, that 99% of other wives are living with an oaf too. (Love you, Babe, remember that). Here is a rundown of the top list of complaints, in no particular order:

Dear Husband,

• You’re not 4 and I ain’t your Momma, so instead of throwing them on the floor for me to find, seethe about and eventually pick up while cursing your name, why don’t you put your own dirty clothes in the basket when you take them off.
• The dishwasher is 6 inches away from the sink. That’s where dirty dishes go.
• You know when I said, “okay I have to study so please don’t distract me”? I MEANT IT! SHUT UP! Think of me studying as you watching football, only important.
• Yes, you are right. The floor will just get dirty again but it has to be cleaned and newsflash – I got the vacuum in black and the Swiffer in green so it’s manly enough for you to use it. Also, when we have/since we have small ones it has to be cleaned every day because small ones roll/crawl/pick up everything on the floor so let’s not give ‘em anything to pick up.
• Uh, unless I sleepshave those little hairs all over the bathroom counter are yours and while we’re at it is it too much to ask that you wipe the water off the counter so I don’t get that sopping horizontal line across my crotch?
• I have been working for the last twelve hours at the hospital. I started before the sun came up and left after it went down. I only get a 30 minute lunch break and my sandwich was soggy from the fridge. My feet look like hooves. Did you seriously just ask me what we’re having for dinner?
• Oh yeah and just so you know, at the end of the day when you start breathing down my neck and feeling me up and I say “I’m just really tired” it literally means “I’m (in no way JUST) really tired”. It can also mean “I’ve been felt up by kids all day and need some ‘nobody touch me’ time” or “I recently pushed a baby out of there and now I don’t know where anything is anymore” or it could mean “I’ll sleep with you when you throw your own underwear in the wash, do the dishes, turn off the TV when I need you to, pick up and sweep the floor, wipe down all the counters and cook us dinner. All on your own. Without me asking or telling. Or congratulating you. I do it day in and day out without accolade so I know it’s not an insane request.

I would just like to follow with this notice:

Ladies, care to comment? Or gentlemen, I believe in free speech and equality.

For the ladies who know who they are…

[JAR: Today in JAR Jennifer got a 100 on her pedi test. When the "100! You are AWESOME" popped up on the screen confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling and a mariachi band played. She was carried out on a chair, high in the air while the crowd sang "For she's a jolly good fella..." Afterward it was announced on loud speaker that OB was canceled for the rest of the semester and in it's place would be margarita happy hour every week from 1-4pm. As if that wasn't enough it would also be all you can eat guacamole and hot pretzels! And chocolate ice cream! And Laffy Taffy... oops I digress. After indulging herself Jennifer returned home to find Avelyn sitting in the middle of the floor reading Dostoevsky and demanding tea and crumpets. She smiled, closed the door and hugged her 96 pound baby.]

I should have done better.  I should have studied more.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda, I suck.  Kevin made me feel better about it when he put everything in perspective and he was right.  Hurricane Ike took us out of school and off schedule for over a week.  I started two 12-hour clinicals which take up 3-4 days when you factor in the prep work and typing up reports (which I still have yet to do).  Avelyn was sick and Kevin was out of town this weekend.  Aside from becoming a coffee and speed freak and never sleeping I don’t know when I would have found the time to get it all done, it just wasn’t feasible.  Thanks, hubby.  I vow to do better on the next one.

My mom is thinking of coming into town Monday through Wednesday which would be really helpful and serve two purposes: 1) I would get to study for my test next Wednesday without feeling 100% guilty about not being home (95% guilt would be a vast improvement) and 2) she would get to see Avelyn whom she hasn’t seen since April.  I’m sure I will be a tired, stressed out wreck and Avelyn (queen of timing) will decide to throw a crying fit all week and the Franco-Swiss particle accelerator will finally work and the world will implode but hopefully it will all work out.  I want to do really well this semester but when it comes down to it, all I need to do is pass.  

Say it with me people, “Just pass the class.  Just pass the class.  (And hopefully retain a little) but just pass the class.”

[JAR: Today in JAR Jennifer had a terrible nightmare that she was in nursing school and had done poorly on a test.  Luckily it was all a dream.  Even more lucky, no one remembers bad dreams in JAR so Jennifer and her baby slept in and when they awoke, a crisp Autumn breeze was blowing in the open window.  They spent the morning going for a walk in the park and having a grand conversation that went a little like this, "Oh Avelyn, isn't it a beautiful day outside?"  "Oy goy oh mo phlbb!"  "I know!  I am so happy we decided to sleep in too!  Aren't you glad we are independently wealthy so Momma doesn't have to work and we can spend all day together?"  "Ah! Ah! Ohhhhhh!"  followed by a big toothless grin and slobber smooch.]

After nodding off more than once around 10:45pm I decided to push the computer aside for a while and take a little power nap to rejuvenate for the long haul and didn’t wake up until 1:30.  So now, 61 minutes later, I am finishing up skimming all my notes for my test tomorrow.  By finishing up I mean I have 18-1/2 power points to look over.  I’m not completely unfamiliar with the material but I’m definitely not familiar enough with it to remember a dang thing.  With Avelyn not feeling well last week and having clinical obligations yesterday and today I just didn’t get as much done beforehand as I wanted.  You don’t even have to say it because I know, “Welcome to nursing school.  Welcome to parenthood.  Idiot.”

It is late, I am tired, I miss Kevin and I want to sleep next to Baby Girl.  Whoever said “sleep when you’re dead” better watch out because I’m on the warpath and I’m carrying a big paddle with his name on it.

[JAR: Jennifer is not typing this stupid blog that is probably boring you to tears.  She is sleeeeeping soundly in the next room in a giant comfy bed with a big fat pillow.  Much to her amazement "they" developed a Learn While You Sleep! machine over the weekend that integrates the information she needs and transfers it to her brain via energy waves while she catches some zzz's.  "That's insane," you are saying, "such a machine surely does not exist!"  Luckily in JAR Jennifer gets whatever she wants.  Suck it.]

I’m tired, cranky, annoyed and I need to study.

Last night she wouldn’t fall asleep until 8:30 because she took a 15 minute power nap in the car on the way home from dinner. What kind of person can stay up an extra 1 to 1-1/2 hours after a mere 15 minutes of light sleep? I’ll have what she’s having. PLEASE. She slept until 2:30am then was hungry. Okay, taken care of. She fell into a light sleep after the bottle, looking like an angel sent from heaven as I carefully laid her down in the Pack n’ Play (we are still in SA). The MOMENT her Princess and the Pea-esque body touched the mattress her eyes popped open and she started to fake wail. I went and sat back on the bed, determined to wait her out. I put 5 minutes on the clock and counted every second. Her fake wail soon turned into a very real wail followed by giant crocodile tears that I found pooled around her ears when 5 minutes had passed. I picked her up and she immediately settled down, burying her face into my neck as I rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth waiting for her breathing to settle.

Once I thought she was sleeping I tried laying her down again. Rookie move. The wail of the abused baby commenced. This time I put 10 minutes on the clock. 7-1/2 minutes in and Kevin asked exactly what I was doing. I told him he could pick her up if he wanted hoping maybe a change of person would do the trick. Five minutes later she was sleepy. He laid her down. She cried. I died a little [more] inside. I tried holding her hand, rubbing her chest, anything but nothing worked. Finally Kevin asked/demanded/begged me to bring her to bed. By this time it was after 3:30am. She slept like an angel right next to me before waking at 7am, far too early for her tired Momma.

From 7-9am I tried everything to keep her happy. Nothing worked. She wasn’t crying or throwing a fit, just whining. LOUDLY. Eventually everyone was up. After a nap-inducing bottle I came up with an idea involving the PnP mobile and a sheet to block out the light in our room, hoping against hope I could get her to nap on her own, without me. The first 8 minutes she fussed off and on then spit out her pacifier and really let me hear it. 4 minutes after that and she was quiet. I want you to close one eye (because you need the other one to read) and create a mental picture of this scene:

• Blue floral sheet draped over PnP.
• Baby laid down to rest deciding whether or not to comply with this incarceration.
• Ocean waves fill the room from the sound machine.
• As silent as a ninja, Momma carefully climbs into bed and under the covers for her own nap ONLY during the loudest upswing of the wave crashing onto imaginary rocks. Move. By. Move. This takes approximately 3 minutes.

Sad but true. I will do whatever it takes to get her to sleep in her crib. Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping with her. Morning and afternoon naps have been my faaaaavorite part of the day, but she is abusing this privilege and it is all my fault. (Man don’t you hate that?) She has taken our occasional nap together and slowly suckered me into an every nap, every night phenomenon, one which I have been trying to deny but the big bad bags under my eyes scream the truth.

3:52pm
She took a midday nap from 12:45 to 1:20 and now her afternoon nap is going on at this very moment. She’s been asleep for 37 minutes – please pray that this turns into 1-2 hours. Avelyn is under the impression that she is happy go lucky with two 40 minute naps a day. She is severely mistaken.

7:43pm
Avelyn woke up at 3:55, exactly 40 minutes after falling asleep and 3 minutes after I so faithfully hoped against hope for a long nap. What is up with this kid? At least she was in a better mood. I gave her Tylenol and a bottle before her nap because I am pretty sure she had a headache and I blame the San Antonio cedar. She was rubbing her eyes with her chubby little fists at 5:30 so I know she wore herself out today. I gave the poor dear a bath and a bottle and after collapsing in my arms she went down easily into the PnP. A part of me missed our regular nighttime routine of listening to her CD and/or reading our books. But another part of me (the part that feels guilty about what it’s feeling) was a little relieved not to fight the usual 30+ minutes it can take to fall asleep even when she’s really tired.

Overall I read very little today, have A LOT to read this weekend and now I’m sad that I didn’t spend more time with her… by that I mean ALL my time with her. Thus ends another educationally unsuccessful but emotionally fulfilling day. I can’t believe how much I love this baby.

[Jennifer's Alternate Reality: Her baby is not whining. Or crying. Or refusing to sleep. In fact she never does these things. She is happy and perfectly content to play on the floor in short bursts by herself so Jennifer can read a few pages throughout the day. These short bursts of "independence training" are intertwined with looooong stretches filled with reading, dancing, singing, long walks, floor play and lots of cuddling.

I should probably mention that in JAR, Jennifer got sprayed with some sort of toxic waste product because now there are two of her at home! J-1 gets to spend all day just being Avelyn's mom, not that there's anything "just" about being a mom since taking care of a baby is a full-time physically/emotionally/psychologically demanding job with no monetary paycheck at the end of a hard day. J-2 can spend as much time as she wants just reading and studying and learning about all kinds of cool medical stuff - you know, the stuff the real Jennifer doesn't have time for. While we're at it a third Jennifer just appeared! J-3's sole purpose is to take care of Jennifer's hubby who, let's face it, is most assuredly feeling neglected and nostalgic for the wife that once was.

Yep, that JAR is one rockin' place. If you find the portal that might lead me there (as long as it isn't located in a creepy, dirty tunnel or someone else's brain) please call Jennifer and leave a message with VERY detailed instructions because the real Jennifer rarely answers her phone and probably won't call you back... add that to J-3's task list.]

Either I will not be posting as often or as in depth as I have been or I will be posting lots of freak outs in the coming weeks. School started last week. I had two quizzes, which I aced, and two math tests, which I didn’t. You have to get a 100% to pass. Unfortunately the math tests are really, really, really important and if I don’t pass the 3rd one on Wednesday I am dropped for the semester… which means I am out until next fall when these classes are offered again. Which would mean being away from Kevin for even longer!?! Or getting a job in the meantime and being away from Avelyn even more!?! Feeling like a total failure that let everyone down!?! Yes to all the above.

I’m sort of freaking out.

A lot.

A whole lot.

Like every 2 minutes.

I also have a massive information overloaded Pedi test on Wednesday that I am completely unprepared for and I have to spend most of tomorrow orienting to my OB clinical hospital. Then I have the D&S exam after the test. I should also mention the quiz in OB after THAT. I am so stressed about organizing my time that I’m wasting most of it. (I am not counting this blog as wasting, I am using my “break” to write it and excusing it away as cheap therapy.) I’m not the only student in this boat, this is a really hard semester of our nursing program, most say it’s the hardest. If I had passed the D&S exam the first two times I think I wouldn’t be as stressed. What good is studying for this stupid pedi test if I screw the D&S and get dropped anyway?

Breathe… letting it go for tonight and hitting the books again. What else can I do?

I miss my husband. I miss Avelyn and she’s sleeping 30 feet away. I want to wake up tomorrow and be done with school.

[Jennifer's Alternate Reality: She is not studying. Or freaking out. She is brushing her teeth and crawling into bed where her beautiful baby daughter rolls over to nuzzle into her chest. Because in Jennifer's Alternate Reality (JAR) she would have been able to breastfeed so she wouldn't have to worry about washing the pile of bottles on the counter. Instead of studying for school tomorrow she is falling asleep to visions of playtime and walks in the park. She is holding her baby close, because in JAR she doesn't worry about the things she normally worries about and co-sleeps with her baby every night. As well as her husband since in JAR they live together in the same city in the same house and sleep in the same bed. Every night. JAR is like the Hidden Valley Ranch city but a little more ethereal and doesn't smell like salad.]