I love my babies. LOVE. THEM. More than my own life or anyone else’s. I also know I struggle with myself regularly to be the mom I want to be. I know that to be that person, I am happy to call my family complete as it is right now. My Avelyn. My baby Noah. The two loves of my life. (Plus that other guy). I feel like once I gain a foothold on this whole I’m-a-parent-of-more-than-one-kid-now thing I will be able to provide each of them with enough of myself that we are all okay.

I just want them to grow up and KNOW they are loved. I want them to KNOW that I cannot fathom my life without them. I want them to someday know that I’m not sure I would have been able to breathe without either of them in my life.

I still can’t believe he is here or that I’m not pregnant anymore, something I’m thankful for and something that breaks my heart all at the same time because I know that two children will probably be it for us. Save for winning the lottery or someone coming out with a pill to make me psychologically capable of handling the emotional demands (or even just a failed birth control method in the future), I do not plan to have any more babies. It’s a bittersweet acceptance. But also a jumping off point for my future.

The pros to my childbearing coming to an end include getting in shape like I’ve been wanting to and not worrying about blowing up with pregnancy again. I can look forward to (mostly) always sleeping through the night (again) once Noah is out of babyhood! I’ll never have to feel like my vagina is being ripped apart with a serrated knife! We can all fit relatively comfortably in a four door car, a restaurant booth or a three bedroom house.

Of course there are cons to this decision to. I’ll never get to feel a tiny body moving inside my belly again or feel the earth shake as I pull another baby from my womb and lay him on my chest. I’ll never get to feel the warm heartbeat of new life or stare at the beautiful face I’ve created until my eyes could stay open no more. These things leave a little room for wonder. Not to mention the fact that stopping at two means I will be denying the world the awesomeness of our future children….

Although I am comfortable with the decision to not have any more kids (I really, really, REALLY do believe it’s best for us, best for ME), I have to put it out there that if we ever decided to add “just one more” in a few years, I would be absolutely, positively 1,000% over the moon to meet one more beautiful soul.

*I wrote this post when Noah was 14 days old. I was afraid it didn’t make sense at the time so I didn’t post it. It’s now 88 days after wrote it and I know exactly why it’s taken me 88 days to put it out there: a) the three year old next to me that for the love of god won’t stop talking AND OH HOW I MISS HEARING MY OWN THOUGHTS. OR SILENCE. and b) the three month old that is finally taking a nap in his crib for the FIRST time all by himself. What can I say? It never stops.

You started dance class last weekend, or as you like to refer to it, “dance cass!!!!!!” with the most excited voice you can muster.  You LOVE to dance, but you don’t love to listen so much.

The first week I left you in the class with two other girls, and sat outside snapping photos through the glass.  You did GREAT for about 10 minutes, until you caught sight of me.  The last 35 minutes of class you spent most of the time in my lap or running around not listening.  It was a little frustrating but more than anything I was so, so proud of you for trying. You remind me of myself in so many ways, I only hope I teach you to keep on trying, and not give up when you are scared or frustrated.

The second week I stayed in class with you, something I don’t think we’ll try next time.  Along with bribes of M&M’s and skittles and promises of a Wendy’s Frosty if you stayed with the group and listened to your teacher, you mostly enjoyed running around willy nilly, hanging off the balance bars and kissing your reflection in the mirror.  I’m most sad I didn’t get a picture of that.  Again, I felt more pride than anything because regardless of the outcome YOU ARE SO FREAKING CUTE.

Every now and then you would run over with the other kids and follow along for about 2.5 seconds before running off to dance in your own little world.  I don’t care, your time will come.  For now I just enjoy how much you love your “dance cass!!!!”, always want to wear a tutu and how super duper adorable you look in a leotard with or without the skirt.

Oh, and even though you might not excel right now at the structured ballet/tap portion of the class, you have exceeded all expectations in the creative movement portion of the class.  Your ribbon wand not only serves as a fairy wand but also as a floor duster. Always my little helper.

Your spirit inspires me in every way.  Keep on dancing, baby!

Did I tell you she can count to 15?  She gets 1-4 mixed up, always, but the girl knows what number comes after each number up to 15.  She can’t give a flying flip about singing her ABC’s, can’t recognize a letter to save her life, but she can recite half the nursery rhymes in the book, can “read” nearly all the words to “The Foot Book”, asks me to sing “Widdle mermaid song!” and knows the verse after each verse I sing, and can carry the tune.

Did you know that she is 37 inches tall?  Or that she fell at Seaworld, back in JUNE, and will tell you that she fell outside the sharks, that her knee was “beeding” and the man sprayed it with spray and put a big “ban-aid” on and then she was okay?  She tells everyone this story.  The child remembers everything.

Do you know that when we go shopping she can carry all her own things right up to the register, tell the salesperson exactly where she found it, what color it all is, that her Mommy is going to buy it for her and when we leave she always says “Bye! See you waiter!” and just makes me the proudest Mommy in the whole world.

Do you know that I adore her with every fiber in my being?

Have I told you lately, that I love her?

“Say it with me, Avelyn, yo-gurt.”
“No-gurt.”
“No not no-gurt, yoooo-gurt.”
“YO!!  NOGURT!!”

“I love you, Mommy.”
“I love you too, Baby.  I love you more than anyone else in the whole world.”
“No, I love youuuuu!”
“Well I love you more.”
“No, I love YOU.”
“No, I love youuuu.”
“Stop it Mom, I love YOU.”

“Avelyn you have to eat the cupcake too.”
“No, I just lick it… Mmm, yummy.”

“Imma go zoo. Imma go zoo an’ buy chickens.”
“You are?  What are you going to do with your chickens?”
“Imma eat ‘em.”

“Mommy I hitting you.  You cry.  You cry now Mommy!” followed a few seconds later by,
“Don’t cry Mommy, or worry.  You’ll feel better after I give you a bottle.”

“Move people!  Get out my way!  I need go to Chik way!” (Chik-Fil-A)

“Mom!  Wanna watch Peter Panna?!”
“You’re too young to call me Mom and, yes.”