To procreate or not to procreate. That is my question.
I used to want 5 kids. FIVE. Back when I was crazy and newly married and had no idea of how much debt I would incur with two degrees and a husband with a dream. Back when I thought staying home with my kids would be the only thing I ever wanted to do (in which case why did I bother going to school and accumulating debt in the first place?). Back before I birthed my first baby and went a little crazy and felt like I might die everyday.
Fast forward a few years and I’ve got one kid, one fantastic kid mind you, and the stomach churning questions I wrestle with every five minutes or so.
- Do I really want any more children?
- How long do I want to wait to have another?
- What if I wait too long?
- What am I waiting for?
- Ohmygod this child is so adorable and look! Look at her baby pictures! I want another one! Oh wait, there goes the screaming and annoying-ness. Do I want another one?
- Loads of people do it everyday, some do it well, some not so well, but can I handle more than one? Emotionally? Physically?
Some days it feels like an easy decision and I think back to my life before Avelyn and wonder what I’m waiting for. I really had no life before her. Kevin and I weren’t living some free and fancy “I want to live before I have kids!” mentality of so many young people. No friends in town to go out with, no money to travel, heck no money to go out to eat. Pretty much NO MONEY PERIOD and we had a baby anyway. A “not planned but not prevented” baby and I thank God everyday for that unexpected blessing.
Now we have a little more money. Heck, we have a lot more money. This working thing has a few really great perks, one of which being a REAL PAYCHECK. We’re paying bills on time and paying down debts. We’re eating out when we want to and buying things for the house without checking the account to make sure we can make it to payday. We’re not rolling it and we still don’t have much leftover at the end of the month but we can provide for ourselves and it’s amazing.
Now that we’re more “prepared” (whatever that means) we’re trying to “plan” this next potential baby. Although it’s not like you can really “plan” to have a baby. I mean it either happens or it doesn’t and not necessarily on your time. And maybe that’s my problem. The planning. The waiting. The believing I’ll be more prepared in [insert time frame here].
I was totally unprepared and broke the first time. And over the moon with excitement. Now I’m “prepared” and theoretically in a position to afford having a baby this go ’round. And I’m petrified.
What if it’s too much? What if this time I have a baby that’s reallysick? What if Avelyn has a hard time with it? What if I get depressed again? Working is hard enough with one, how will I work with TWO kids? Kevin wants another kid but “not right now… maybe in a year”, how can I put up with this worrying until both of us are ready? Gah! The sheer amount of questions!
If I do have more kids I don’t want them to be too far apart in age. My siblings and I are all four years apart and that gap caused all sorts of problems growing up. Four years is a huge difference developmentally, especially in same sex siblings. I know there is no magic age, that every family is different, every kid is different, yada yada so save me that schpeel. But still, I don’t want to wait too long. She’s old enough now that a baby at any time would be the “right time” in my book.
Maybe this little “problem” won’t end up being a problem anyway. Maybe I won’t even get pregnant. Maybe it won’t happen on my timeline and we’ll put it on the back burner another year. Maybe.
Speaking of my insane delusions timeline:
- April is out. All three of our birthdays are within six days of each other in April. NO MORE APRIL BABY’S, BABY.
- September is out because again, too many birthdays and it would kill me to have to hear for the rest of my life “Oh! That’s [insert family member's name here] birthday. How neat!” No, well meaning dummy. NOT NEAT.
- May-August is out because Kevin goes to Chicago during the summers to run the film program at NHSI. He loves it and it pays well so I don’t want him to not go ergo having a baby due right before or after he leaves is a bad plan.
- That leaves October through March. But December is out because, hello! it’s Christmas and no one in their right mind should plan to have a baby at Christmas. It’s just mean.
- And January, well January means even more family birthdays as well as being the month after Christmas. As Angella so eloquently stated, “January is the dullest month of the year and if I could have my way I would get a petition signed to rename it “Meh.” He he he. Meh.
So there we have it — the only months that I would *ideally* like to have a baby is February/March or October/November. And if I had my *perfect* way in my *perfect* world, February/March would be out completely because February/March sucks big A and is cold, wet and rainy. There’s a reason why so few people have birthdays during that time frame. That and I guess the month of May/June is a really boring time for potential parents to be getting it on.
Okay. That leaves October/November. My ideal time frame. The best of the best times for ME to have another baby.
- Avelyn will be 2-1/2 years… going on 22.
- If I had a baby in November I would have December and January off for maternity leave. (!)
- The baby would miss half of RSV season and sweet mother I am up to HERE in RSV babies at work and the less I have to deal with it the better. (Note to babies under 12 months – STAY HOME and tell people to WASH THEIR HANDS AROUND YOU.)
- Avelyn would be three and the baby would be about 7 months old when Kevin left for Chicago next summer, meaning we might be in some kind of rhythm by then and my brain mightbe starting to recover from the liquefied mass it became after childbirth.
So okay, after writing this damn thing I think I might have talked myself into having another baby if for no other reason than I don’t want to have to think about it this much ever again. So November it is (recall: IDEALLY). But since October wouldn’t completely suck maybe I’ll sabotage the prophylactics a few weeks early and get a head start. I mean you can’t ever be too *careful*. Right?
Oh, and in case my husband is reading this and FREAKING. OUT. (!) Close your eyes and think back to this day, and how unbelievably excited we were, and will be again.
OK. Well, speaking from only my personal experience and my experience from being around lots of preggos/moms…
1. My first was a HUGE surprise too. And after “planning” Halle, I do think there is something easy about getting pregnant “accidentally”. When you plan it, then you have the opportunity to question yourself. That sucks. BUT it isn’t as hard or as bad as you imagine it will be.
2. Well, you know I had PPD. But this time around I have already had that experience, I know what it looks like and feels like. If it happens again – I will know how to deal with it. PLUS this time I won’t think I’m off my rocker and the only person in the world who has those super crazy thoughts.
3. You know I do my research – and basically 2-3 years between kids is supposedly ideal when it come to family/sibling dynamics.
4. When you only have one kid it is hard to imagine loving the next as much, hard to think about what your family will be like with another and so on. But once it happens, you adapt automatically. Everything will fall into place. You find a new normal…an even more beautifully complete normal.
5. Selfishly, I want you to be pregnant with me…so get pregnant in February! BUT it would be OK with me if you shoot for Feb/March, because it would be easier for me to be your doula.
6. Tell Kevin that in a year from now when he is “ready” for another, it will be just in time for him to be holding her in his arms!
You will never feel ready. Even I doubt myself daily with this next one. Can I handle three? Imagine this crazy stuff my kids will do while I’m nursing a new baby! Am I stupid for thinking I can do this AGAIN?! Can we pay for 3 cars and 3 college educations? Will this labor be more difficult? Will I be blessed with another low risk pregnancy? TRUST ME – the questions don’t stop in my head! But I guess that is where prayer comes in. And I just plan on being over-prepared. I can only do so much. God will take car of the rest.
Either way, I can’t wait to get my hands on Avelyn’s baby sibling! (and neither can my kids
Holy Moly chick – do you plan everything out to this detail?!?!
I started to get a little “you better hurry up and just have sex already” while I was reading this.
I.Love.You. and your lists and your timelines and your over thinking and your planning. Ahhh, so much fun!
Have a baby.
Have a baby.
Have a baby.
Oh and ditto what Raena says. Except I’m not going to be your doula. Sorry.
OK, you have given this WAY more thought than my crazy mind has!!! I have a lot (READ: all) of the fears that you do. I just worry so much about sharing the love…she has 100% of my attention right now and I STILL worry some days that she’s not getting enought. SIGH…
I knew I was down when we were done…I think the thought of being pregnant again so truely repulses yout hen you know! LOL, thats how it worked for me!
Your amazing jen! I love the planning and reasoning for when you want another baby! Whenever you do decide, that baby will be so lucky to have such a great big sis. (Joey and I want to have another baby but were going to wait til the end of this year….excited!)
Oh and yes you do want more buns in your oven! Yes! More cute babies!
Hilarious! Can’t wait to see what you decide!
i love how you shared all these thoughts. one thing is for sure… you are not alone! i sure hope you do have more bun(s) in your oven someday! you guys make way cute babies and you are a great mom! 2 is hard, but so fun too!
Jennifer, not to discourage you, but planning sucks! Just go with the flow and use what the good Lord gave ya and hope it all works out. We tried planning to have our 2nd while still in Brazil. It took almost 2 years to get pregnant! Now, we are back in the States and JOBLESS and HOMELESS (living in a relative’s guesthouse). You can’t really control anything. Just do it! We are not exactly in the best of circumstances, but we are pumped about Baby Sister (due on the 19th of “mey”).
Hope you guys are well and that October or November brings much joy! Keep us posted… I know you will!
sorry, that was the 19th of meh!
You crack me up. And I have an entry in my journal that sounds eerily like this, dated November 22, 2007. I found out I was preggers with Avery a month later, and now, more than two years later, I can’t imagine my life without that sweet baby.
C and L are 11 days shy of 4 years apart. That dynamic is perfect for us. Trust in God and all will be fine.
C shares a birthday with a cousin and L shares my FILs birthday. We have a lot of birthday sharing.
Its really not too bad once you come to terms with it and forgive inlaws for not having forsight on the birthday thing…yes they had a choice.
Im over it…deep breath…ok
I love you, and everything will be fine.
Oh and May is a great month for sex
Oh yeah I forgot
There is a part of my that prays this IUD fails, and I get pregnant right along you and Raena…shhh dont tell Dustin.