I feel the need to clarify something from the last post, because if it was unclear to one person then it was probably unclear to other people too. Let me state:
The death of that boy was devastating. I didn’t like being there, I didn’t really want to be there and I wasn’t excited about any of it. It was terrible. When I said it was beautiful, I meant the preciousness of the moment and my being a part of it. How often is it that you are able to be a part of something so intense and private? Rarely if ever. But I was. I’ve been through a lot of death and dying in my life. A lot. I only know from my own perspective what it was like for me, on the other side. On this side, I see it from a whole new light. I feel the helplessness of being an “outsider” and the necessary distancing it takes to do this job. It’s important to be present in the moment, to feel the loss, to grieve what just happened, but it’s equally important to put it aside, recognize you did what you could do and to get back out there and keep trying to help the other ones. Because if you let it bring you down you might never get back up. Or worse, if you don’t let it get to you at all you might turn to stone.
I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear or if I offended anyone with that post. It wasn’t my intent. I wish I would never ever have to go through something like that but in my line of work, it’s inevitable. And writing about it was something I thought might help me tell you what it was like for me.
Hopefully that makes sense. And hopefully you’ll keep reading. I know posts like these are total downers because the comments just drop off. From here on out I promise to keep the humor up and the depressing stuff down. Deal?
you don’t ever have to leave the sad stuff out. it’s all too real, and the blog is part of processing it all!
i’m thankful you are doing the job you are and helping others daily.
Thanks friend. A comment like that can make a girl’s day
How could anyone have possibly misconstrued what you meant by beautiful? Just as anyone would call the triumphant entrance of a child into this world “beautiful,” the same should be said for such a sacred moment as a tragic exit– whether it be a child or anyone else. Being near someone who is dying can be a spiritual experience, and I really don’t feel worthy to be privy to something so intimate. Nursing is a truly amazing job!
(Not to mention we get to see people naked on a daily basis– haha– sorry, had to lighten it up there for a second).
Jen,
I think your post was beautiful. I think that the family would have appreciated having someone who cared so much there, in that moment. I know you have an amazingly hard jab, one that I could NEVER do. I am proud of you. Love!
Stef
Do not stop.. ever. You have to say what is in your heart. Keeping it in will eventually be a dread to your working your beloved job. Say it as you think you need to. We all need a little humbling now and then in order to remember how precious life is, esp when we are being grouchy or complaining. I appreciate reading your reality!
Nona